Side Tracked
Is a path women get on when they marry and have children. NOTHING's wrong with this! But, let's get real here. Many women are not happy in this role. This role becomes an identity, not who the woman is individually, leaving many women to ask "Where did I go?". 

One of my concerns is post partum "Blues" for new moms. Not all women experience it. Many do. It's important to discuss the feelings a new mom may have so she can be aware of them, have a healthy transition into momhood, and NOT lose her sense of self during the process.

And, the other is for "seasoned" moms (like me). It's important to point out areas where feelings may change in a marriage after a few or several years.  The role of mother becomes so strong that losing touch with her own personal identity is common.

The first step is acknowledging a "loss of self" . And if you are indeed unhappy or feel "somethging's missing" in your life, it's time to look within.  When you put yourself "aside" for other people, partners, and things, activities, etc., you get sidetracked from what you need and want for your own soul. Let's begin the dialog. What statements are true for you? Don't get bummed about the lists. First step is awareness, then comes the good stuff! Check out when you're On Track! You may be interested in mom coaching for this part.

For The "seasoned" Marriage": Possible Changes in marriage

  • Sex is not what is used to be
  • Sex is sporadic or non existant
  • Doing for others is more important than doing for yourself
  • You and your partner no longer go out romantically
  • You never go out together romantically because you didn't want to leave the kids at home with a baby sitter
  • You stop doing activities, hobbies, interests you enjoyed before marriage or in the early days of marriage
  • You stop dressing up to look pretty
  • Communication may be strained with your partner
  • Your children are your life
  • You no longer have great discussions like you once did with your partner
  • The marriage is functioning - something's missing
  • You may daydream about affairs, maybe even initiate one
  • you feel no longer "seen" or "heard"
  • You may feel lonely, trapped in an unhappy relationship and marriage
  • You may seek  out things or others to replace, or fill the feelings of emptyness, loneliness (like eating more ---> gaining weight)
  • You don't have or make time for yourself
  • NONE of this is happening to you

What happened? Is there anything you want to add? How can things be different?


For The "seasoned" Mom: Possible Changes

  • You no longer feel sexy
  • You wear what ever is "comfortable"(loose shirts, sweat pants, etc.)
  • You no longer "dress up", wear make-up, etc.
  • Gain weight because you may feel unloved, unattractive, or unhappy with yourself, stressed, etc. (emotional eating)
  • Maybe you stay in a job you hate
  • Maybe you believe you're getting "to "old" to learn, try, experience new things
  • You're stuck in the "mom" role. Being a mom is more important than being true to yourself
  • You do everything, cook, clean, work, take care of the kids...
  • You spend more money on your family than you
  • Maybe you can't say no
  • Underwear is functional, not sexy, romantic, pretty
  • You don't replace your underwear when it's falling apart - you keep wearing the same "functional" bra..
  • It's easier to stay the same, not "rock" the boat
  • Something's missing in your life, within you, you need something ...
  • Shop a lot- look to things, clothes, etc., to make you feel good
  • It's easier to focus on the problems of others than your own .
  • You don't go out .
  • Spats with partner over disiplining children
  • Maybe you feel emotionally "starved".
  • You may not get the support you need from your partner in raising a family
  • Maybe NONE of this is happening in your life

What's going on here? Is there anything you want to add? How could things be different?


For the Brand New Mom (Single or Married):

  • You feel Overwhelmed
  • Maybe you're not getting enough help
  • You do everything, cook, clean, laundry, work, and care for a baby
  • No time for self, cultivating interests, etc.
  • You question your "mothering" skills
  • Scared being a new mom but you don't want to tell anyone
  • Your partner does not understand how you feel
  • Guilty because being a new mom is not what you thought it would be
  • Guilty because you resent being a new mom but you're supposed to be happy with a beautiful new baby
  • You've lost some independence
  • Anger, resentment, maybe because you didn't want to have a baby yet, or the situation that got you pregnant ...
  • Failure, maybe because you didn't have the kind of birth experience you wanted
  • Uncomfortable making parenting decisions
  • You may feel embarrassed to breast feed (even though that's what you want) but others are unsupportive
  • Loss a sense of self
  • Crying spells
  • Friends and family are more interested in the baby
  • Sex... Paleez..
  • Tired.
  • Fears of hurting the baby somehow
  • Unattractive
  • Torn between staying home with baby and going back to work
  • Potential spats with partner over baby care
  • Alone and isolated depending on where you live and your situation
  • Void of intellectual stimulus because you are a baby caregiver 24/7
  • You start taking LESS time to care for yourself
  • You start taking LESS time to do the things you used to do to feel pretty
  • You start taking "shortcuts" for self care
  • You start giving up certain freedoms because you are a parent now
  • sex is usually less frequent
  • sex is no longer spontaneous (what if the baby cries, see you, hear you, etc.)
  • Relationships with friends change because you are a mother
  • Relationships with your own parents change because you are a mother
  • The relationship you have with your partnerchanges because it shifts from sex and romance to responsibility
  • Parenting issues, discipline methods, etc. become challenging for mom and  her partner
  • Maybe NONE of this is happening in your life

What may happen here? Is there anything you want to add?What could you do to make yourself feel better?
Everyone has a different experience in marriage and parenting. Yet there seems to be an underlying common tthread with women - that a "sense of self" is lost.  The list below is what no one talks about when we marry, or have kids. You may identify with some, or none of the statements below.  That's okay.  I am hoping to open a dialog to get you, a new or "seasoned" mom to think about your own life and personal needs.  There are things you can do to co-exist with marriage and kids while being true to yourself.
We all want to feel loved and many times we seek external "things",   relationships to make us feel good.


Here's the truth:
We can only make ourselves feel good.


If we feel good about ourselves, internally we improve self-esteem, confidence, love ourselves more...

As a result we'll enjoy a happier life.



We can only make ourselves feel good- it comes from within, no thing or person can do that for us